She should never doubt her process.
I’m sitting on the loveseat I love so much in my sunporch, surrounded by the new smell of fall in the air. Yheva and Ellie are giggling in the other room with a youtube video. The little space heater tucked behind me is ticking heat cozily though its body as I type. I just finished up some homework for an ecourse in the Work and this above statement is my homework, a statement pulled from watching a woman inquire during class. Interestingly this is a positive inquiry statement, that is, it was pulled from a judgement I had of her that was praise. This is my first time inquiring into a positive judgement.
She should never doubt her process. Is that true?
Whoa, right away not true. That is so ridged, so fixed, so tight, I’m saying that the world is better if she never doubts herself again. It gives absolutely no love or understanding or room for her to doubt herself. How loving is that? Not loving. It says she has to be only this way to be good, to be right. She has to never doubt herself if she is going to be ok in this world. Wow. Just the statement sounds so harsh now. “She should never doubt her process”. Its funny how it seemed to come from love and admiration when I said it of her, and how it just doesn’t look that way.
Who am I, and how do I react when I believe that “She should never doubt her process”?
Its tight. I feel tight inside of my throat. Its like there’s this holy grail of silver up there somewhere, a spun-out heavenly road and she should stay up there forever. Try to be there always. I feel on edge inside of myself. I’m waiting for something. Waiting to make sure its ok, that everything is ok because she is staying true to herself.
Its hard. There is a hardness inside of my body. She should never doubt her process. Its a mandate. I’m telling her like its is soooo important. Like I’m warning her that really bad things could happen if she doubts her process. I see my mom telling me things she thought were so important and essential to be ok morally when I was little.
Its so one-sided. I feel a one-side in me, slanting away off and away. Its a block to what’s on the other side.
How do I treat her when I believe this thought? I’m making her into a piece of cardboard, a role model that has to stay that way for me to be ok. I need this example to show me the way. One dimensional, she is one dimensional. I’m not thinking about how she is doing in any another way. There’s little pinhole that she has to go through to remain ok. It is such a tight world. Such tight parameters to follow for the world to be ok. For a soul to be ok. For a soul to be on the path. Flatness everywhere.
Who or what would I be without the thought “She should never doubt her process”?
I’m just watching her. Im just watching what she is saying. I’m seeing her like a little clear foundation in my mind. A little clear foundation of sweetness. I think I’m seeing the sweet precious one. And she is just bubbling however she is coming out. Sweet and free and utterly vulnerable at every moment. Unable to not be vulnerable. The true heart is never invulnerable. It can’t happen, even if if feels like it is covered over. Oh the sweetness of that little one doubting her process. I can just watch it from here and I feel so much love for her. I can meet her in doubting her process. I know what the feels like. The judgement of doubting the process and not doubting the process are gone. The levels between them have equalized, energetically they have become equal. No better or worse one way or the other.
Without the thought there is so many more places I can go into . The one dimensionality is gone. There is infinite places to go. There is infinite time for me to doubt my process. It just doesn’t seem to matter how long I or she doubts. The background stays the same. Reality is unaffected by whether I or she doubts our process for eons. No problem. Allowance and space and abiding love for us to do that in. Doubting our process does not change, touch, or rub off off reality.
She should doubt her process.
Hell yes she should, if she is! Did she decide to doubt her process? No. It just happened. How cool. Look at that, she is doubting her process. What is there to see here without any thoughts? Without a story about doubting a process everything is laid out to see. The smog is gone.
She should doubt her process. It happens a lot in this world!! If it happens so much, lets look at it! It must be a really big thing for us to learn from. She should doubt her process because its a place people can meet her. She should doubt her process because everything needs a right to life, and our world is little without the right to doubt our process. We kill the precious little one if we can’t doubt our process. It shuts them up, keeps them hiding and scared.
I should never doubt my process.
I should never doubt that it is going the way it should. That the process is on its path. That when I doubt, when I don’t, when I try, when I feel defeated, when I don’t doubt, that is my process. Ah, my heart relaxed with that one. It gives me the permission to experience my process as I really feel it, not try to smooth it up into an evolved looking perfect path. What if it truly is proceeding exactly as it should? That makes me feel like I can just watch it from the witness point of view and really see what’s happening. It feels like it is its own thing, almost with nothing to do with me. How weird.
My process has something to do with me. Is that true? Does my process have ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME AT ALL? Wow. No. I see it as some sort of something, I energetically see it as something rippling and flowing along around me, but its not actually ME. I’m just nothing, clear nothing sort of within it, watching it. It actually isn’t me. How did I get this front row seat? Its like I get to be this process’s buddy.
She should always doubt her process.
If that’s what happens for her. So she doesn’t have to BE anything for me.
She should never doubt her now.
Who knows what the process is, the NOW is easier to trust, easier be in. Actually, you can’t be in a process. The NOW is for comprehending, not the process.