I should not rent my office. I’m sitting in my office in the late afternoon, A little bit of coffee is buzzing through my blood, mixing with a good level of hydration. A feeling I like. I sit here and am filled with not being sure. Fear of not making a living. Maybe I chose the wrong thing in renting this downtown office.
I should not rent my office? Is that true?
A teacher just talked about how sometimes when he drops into ‘is it true?’ His frightened mind, monkey mind, will try to find the right answer. Try to figure it out. That is what the mind does, and that is not the Work. So, my mind is doing that right now. I’m going to sit here a minute and see if I can drop in deeper into stillness and silence and let the truth bubble up.
I should not rent my office. Is that true? To really be ready for the answer, to really listen beyond the mind, I have to be ready for ANY answer. I mean, I have to really get comfortable with ‘I don’t know’. After all, that is why I’m asking the question. My mind hasn’t been able to figure it out. Its only been able to worry and obsess over it and keep me up at night and keep all my cells one micron ahead of themselves, ready, waiting for the scary future. What if every single cell in my body downshifted into now? What would that feel like? Heaven, I presume.
Try it now! Why not? Ask yourself, What if every single cell in my body downshifted into now? What would that feel like? And let that question just float in your body. Let those cells of yours answer.
OK, I digress. I should not rent my office. Is that true?
Ah Ha! I sat with that awhile and the question that sits squarely with me appeared: I should not keep my office. It is subtly different, but nails the angst I feel more squarely on the head. It frames how I’m worried about action in the future.
I should not keep my office. Is that true?
No. A feeling of peace comes over me, and I can smell things again. Little things. No, I can feel a peace about the future. I feel a coziness of the winter, a sense of lots of time spent here in good work. Peaceful good work.
How do I react, why happens when fully I believe that I should not keep my office?
Oh shit. I’ve really messed up and I have to fix it now. I have to figure out how to exit. I see all the furniture, its heavy. I see the shame of talking to my building mates and the landlord. There is a falling though all the cells in my body. An inner waterfall of draining energy. Dread. I’m tired. I don’t even want to keep typing this out. I feel like a little girl that’s done something bad and I’m just finding out about that now. A realization of my badness, and now is suffocating me. I feel like crying and collapsing.
How do I treat other people when I am in the gripe of the world this thought creates?
I want to hide. I’m ashamed, and I want to get out of this building, out of the rental as quick as I can. I treat them like they are so much better than me. They will judge me and see how stupid and unintuitive I am. They always knew better than me.
How does the thought that ‘I should not keep my office’ keep me safe?
It’s preemptive. I get to end this rental before it gets bad and other people can say I told you so. No risk. I get to get out.
Who or what am I without the thought ‘I should not keep my office.’
I take a deep, manual breath into my belly and open my mind to this question.
Oooh, I love my office. I love the curves of the ceiling above the dormer window. It’s sweet in here, like a child’s bedroom in the 1800s. I love it. I hear the traffic outside on State Street and it puts me at ease, hearing people going about their lives while I sit in contemplative quiet. I felt this way as a child during afternoon naps. The patterns of the sun though old glass panes reflected on the ceiling. Still, quiet, present. Somehow augmented by the brief blare of a radio calling up though the open window of a passing car.
I feel unbelievably grateful that this is my office. How did I get such a peaceful beautiful space just for me? I feel energy in my body expanding up and out towards a good future. A future of quiet deep work with people, as well as with myself. My center drops down onto the chair easily in this place.
I absolutely love it in here and am happily expanding towards being in here often. It feels good. I feel like I did when I was a little girl. Happy, contained in myself, happy to be here on the planet while life unfolds around me.
I should keep my office.
Yes, it feels so freaking good when I’m without the thought. Maybe its here on it’s own path to be with me as we do this Work together. Maybe it has it’s own path that includes me being here. Mmmm, I love the way this feels. Can a space want to do something with me? Wow, yes. I look around with this question alive inside of me, and the room is alive, sparkling, brimming with aliveness. Brimming with Now.
I’m going to ask it. Ready for this readers? Here goes. Do you want to be here with me? Are you in on this collaboration? And I sit and listen, listen to the room, because that is where the answer is. Wow, it just feels like the room IS me. A very old old ancient me. One I remember as a feeling, as from a dream, a dream from long long ago. There is so much beautiful stillness and silence through and though this room, it is astounding. I feel like I am resting in a nest of stillness high above the streets, a quiet pocket of presence afloat on the skyline of Ithaca.
There is a distinct feeling that the room has waited a very long time for me. The Velveteen Rabbit.
I should not get rid of my office.
No, not out of fear. Not when the impulse is so rooted in fear. I don’t want my life decisions to come from the trenches of fear.
I should not get rid of my office because I don’t even really know it yet. I want to get to know this office. Really get to know it.
I should not get rid of my office because I feel so much stillness and presence here. The silence can ring deep hear when I really listen, and that is not something to get rid of out of fear.
I should not keep my thinking about my office.
No, I should not. The thinking feels rote, boring, unoriginal. I’ve heard theses tones of fear before, they go on and on and terrify me, but they are utterly predictable. The thinking does not bring anything fresh to me. It does not see in the Now. It is conditioned, a thick layer of sludgy tarmac coating over the Now.
I should not keep my thinking about my office because it hurts. It just doesn’t feel good.
I should not keep my thinking about my office because I am ready to move beyond thinking. I have the capacity to dive inward and listen to what is beyond my mind. Why not do that instead?! And the world flowers forth in unbelievable beauty when I do.
She should never doubt her process.
I’m sitting on the loveseat I love so much in my sunporch, surrounded by the new smell of fall in the air. Yheva and Ellie are giggling in the other room with a youtube video. The little space heater tucked behind me is ticking heat cozily though its body as I type. I just finished up some homework for an ecourse in the Work and this above statement is my homework, a statement pulled from watching a woman inquire during class. Interestingly this is a positive inquiry statement, that is, it was pulled from a judgement I had of her that was praise. This is my first time inquiring into a positive judgement.
She should never doubt her process. Is that true?
Whoa, right away not true. That is so ridged, so fixed, so tight, I’m saying that the world is better if she never doubts herself again. It gives absolutely no love or understanding or room for her to doubt herself. How loving is that? Not loving. It says she has to be only this way to be good, to be right. She has to never doubt herself if she is going to be ok in this world. Wow. Just the statement sounds so harsh now. “She should never doubt her process”. Its funny how it seemed to come from love and admiration when I said it of her, and how it just doesn’t look that way.
Who am I, and how do I react when I believe that “She should never doubt her process”?
Its tight. I feel tight inside of my throat. Its like there’s this holy grail of silver up there somewhere, a spun-out heavenly road and she should stay up there forever. Try to be there always. I feel on edge inside of myself. I’m waiting for something. Waiting to make sure its ok, that everything is ok because she is staying true to herself.
Its hard. There is a hardness inside of my body. She should never doubt her process. Its a mandate. I’m telling her like its is soooo important. Like I’m warning her that really bad things could happen if she doubts her process. I see my mom telling me things she thought were so important and essential to be ok morally when I was little.
Its so one-sided. I feel a one-side in me, slanting away off and away. Its a block to what’s on the other side.
How do I treat her when I believe this thought? I’m making her into a piece of cardboard, a role model that has to stay that way for me to be ok. I need this example to show me the way. One dimensional, she is one dimensional. I’m not thinking about how she is doing in any another way. There’s little pinhole that she has to go through to remain ok. It is such a tight world. Such tight parameters to follow for the world to be ok. For a soul to be ok. For a soul to be on the path. Flatness everywhere.
Who or what would I be without the thought “She should never doubt her process”?
I’m just watching her. Im just watching what she is saying. I’m seeing her like a little clear foundation in my mind. A little clear foundation of sweetness. I think I’m seeing the sweet precious one. And she is just bubbling however she is coming out. Sweet and free and utterly vulnerable at every moment. Unable to not be vulnerable. The true heart is never invulnerable. It can’t happen, even if if feels like it is covered over. Oh the sweetness of that little one doubting her process. I can just watch it from here and I feel so much love for her. I can meet her in doubting her process. I know what the feels like. The judgement of doubting the process and not doubting the process are gone. The levels between them have equalized, energetically they have become equal. No better or worse one way or the other.
Without the thought there is so many more places I can go into . The one dimensionality is gone. There is infinite places to go. There is infinite time for me to doubt my process. It just doesn’t seem to matter how long I or she doubts. The background stays the same. Reality is unaffected by whether I or she doubts our process for eons. No problem. Allowance and space and abiding love for us to do that in. Doubting our process does not change, touch, or rub off off reality.
She should doubt her process.
Hell yes she should, if she is! Did she decide to doubt her process? No. It just happened. How cool. Look at that, she is doubting her process. What is there to see here without any thoughts? Without a story about doubting a process everything is laid out to see. The smog is gone.
She should doubt her process. It happens a lot in this world!! If it happens so much, lets look at it! It must be a really big thing for us to learn from. She should doubt her process because its a place people can meet her. She should doubt her process because everything needs a right to life, and our world is little without the right to doubt our process. We kill the precious little one if we can’t doubt our process. It shuts them up, keeps them hiding and scared.
I should never doubt my process.
I should never doubt that it is going the way it should. That the process is on its path. That when I doubt, when I don’t, when I try, when I feel defeated, when I don’t doubt, that is my process. Ah, my heart relaxed with that one. It gives me the permission to experience my process as I really feel it, not try to smooth it up into an evolved looking perfect path. What if it truly is proceeding exactly as it should? That makes me feel like I can just watch it from the witness point of view and really see what’s happening. It feels like it is its own thing, almost with nothing to do with me. How weird.
My process has something to do with me. Is that true? Does my process have ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME AT ALL? Wow. No. I see it as some sort of something, I energetically see it as something rippling and flowing along around me, but its not actually ME. I’m just nothing, clear nothing sort of within it, watching it. It actually isn’t me. How did I get this front row seat? Its like I get to be this process’s buddy.
She should always doubt her process.
If that’s what happens for her. So she doesn’t have to BE anything for me.
She should never doubt her now.
Who knows what the process is, the NOW is easier to trust, easier be in. Actually, you can’t be in a process. The NOW is for comprehending, not the process.
I shouldn’t put up the weekly meeting flyers.
I’m sitting here in my office thinking about walking around the commons area and putting up flyers. I have the thought I shouldn’t do that, an awful lot of shame namelessly blankets my mind.
I shouldn’t put up the weekly meeting flyers, is that true?
What happens, how do I react with the thought “I shouldn’t put up the weekly meeting flyers”? I look gently inside for the one who believes this and listen to her.
She’s scared. She doesn’t know if its the right thing to do. She thinks it maybe a gross violation of what the universe wants. She feels presumptuous, seen. People will think ‘who does she think she is, thinking she can run a meeting in the Work’. The witness is dissolving a bit and now I’m becoming more identified with the one who is scared, the one who believes this thought. I’m frozen. I just sit here. I don’t want to talk to anyone about what I’m doing. I hide. I feel ashamed of something. I don’t even know what. Lets see if I can see what it is I’m ashamed of. I’m not good enough to run a weekly meeting in the Work. I’m bad if I put them up. I feel scared inside my body. Anticipation, vigilance, waiting to be yelled at.
How do I treat others when I think I shouldn’t put up weekly meeting flyers? Like then are all looking at my flyers, condemning me. Really really condemning me as not ready, presumptuous. I’m afraid of them. I’m a little girl and they are big people. They have more power than me. They actually know for sure if I should or shouldn’t put up the flyers, and I’m scared they will decide I am undoubtedly bad for putting them up. The power is in their hands. The power to know whether I’m good or bad is in their hands.
Whose business am I in when I believe that I shouldn’t put up the weekly meeting flyers? God’s. I’m trying to figure out if its good or bad to have them up.
Who or what am I without the thought “I shouldn’t put up the weekly meeting flyers” as I sit here in my office, on my chair in the mid-morning?
And now, a gentle reminder to myself to let the mind soften and wait for the revelation. Yes, revelation, what is revealed. It is was if the part of my brain that could conceive of the thought that I shouldn’t put them up doesn’t even exist. Of course it does exist, and in that I am able to just try it out for a couple of minutes, just try out what it feels like with out any risk. It is my full right to take back the thought and keep it for the rest of my life if I want.
A deep breath fills my lower belly with out instruction from my brain. It feels good. I do it again. I have them, the posters. They are right down below the dormer window in my car three stories down. I like them. I think they look good. I could get some coffee while I walk around.
Well why not? Why not put them up around town and then see what happens?
Oh, its simple. I put them up. That’s my job. The rest is up to the universe (or the guniverse as my sister calls it). There’s a curiosity. What will happen if I just go do that?? I get to watch what happens.
Turn arounds to “I shouldn’t put up the weekly flyers.”
“I shouldn’t take down the weekly meeting flyers.” How is this as true or truer than the original statement?
Yes, energetically if I keep taking them down, the meeting won’t happen. I haven’t even put them up yet! Hmm, or, I shouldn’t take them down in terms of put them down, insult them. Yes, I shouldn’t put down the whole idea, which is what I do when I judge putting them up around town.
“I should put up the weekly meeting flyers.”
That feels like where my own growth is, to put them up. I’ll find out. If I don’t advertise no one will know what I’m making available, so it won’t happen. I can find out if people want to do it or not if I put them up. It’s information, data. I should put them up because fear is what is telling me not to, and I don’t want my actions in life driven by fear.
Here’s another question I like to ask - If I was completely devoid of fear, what would I do? Yes, I would just try it. I’d just put them up and see what happened. I can feel my own center drawing down and filling up strong. That’s the feeling of energetically being in my own business. Yes come, I tell people, look, see what is happening? And if they don’t want to come to a meeting, no problem, I am not affected one way or the other, it is completely their right, their business whether they come or not.
“I shouldn’t put up my thinking.” Yes, the advertising is about letting people know when and where they can do the Work. Its not about me at all. I’m putting my thinking that it’s all about me up with the posters and getting it all gummy. Yes, actually that is the part that is getting it all so sticky - when I think that the service I am creating is about me. I see it in my mind as this other substance, gooey and lots of it, surrounding the clearer actions of physically putting the flyers us, getting the studio space ready, and making sure there are enough chairs, etc. The goo gums it all up, drips off of it, is messy and makes it not happen. That goo is where I’m out of my business. Yes, and my thinking is for me to do the Work on, not for me to post all around down. (Although if that happens, so be it, there are lessons there.)
There is another kind of turnaround called the “Yahoo Turnaround.” Its “hurray! I shouldn’t put up the weekly flyers!” Yes, I see. I shouldn’t put up the weekly flyers when it is so painful to me. I shouldn’t put them up before I’m ready, before I’ve worked my thinking and come to some peace. The unease I felt about putting up the flyers is the temple bell, a call to stillness, and a call to looking with the heart.