Last night a friend and I were talking about romantic relationships, typing away via Facebook messenger, delving into the nature of love and the feel of care-taking vs unconditional love. She remembered a dream she had involving me, and here are her words describing this dream -
"I forgot to tell you a dream I had about you a while back- I dreamed that I was asking you 'can you tell me in one word what is my problem in romantic relationships? Why I can't find a partner? What's the one word that sums it up?' ...
You said bitterness."
When she related this it stirred a memory of an experience that I had about 7 years ago. It was planting time on the farm, early spring when the smell of the warm black soil iintoxicates, and the breeze curls around the awakening tree branches with dizzying possibility, when I suddenly and precipitously started having heart palpitations to the tune of one every four seconds. This went on for about a week, during which time I was terrified, feeling my mortality in a visceral way. Nothing like that had happened to me before, although I had experienced years of physical pain in my heart. The long and short of it was that Western medicine couldn't find anything wrong, and the acupuncturist I went to said point blank "your heart is closed shut and it's starting to rebel. You have to open your heart."
Well I had absolutely no idea what that meant - open my heart? I realized she didn't mean physically take a knife and fillet it open, so what was I to do?
I prayed. I don't remember my question, or where I was, or how I was feeling inside as I prayed, but I remember what I heard because IT WAS LOUD AND CLEAR AND IMMEDIATE.
The voice said - and I put it in caps because that's how it spoke -
REMOVE THE SEEDS OF BITTERNESS FROM YOUR HEART.
Last night, hearing this word bitterness come back to me again after so many years, and, bizarrely through my own voice in my friend's dream, I was inspired to do an internet search on the word bitterness.
Here is a bible verse I found that speaks directly to my heart, and truly, if you really let in what it is saying as verbatim, and take it as a directive for your life, well, that is a blueprint for a totally wild life.
1 Corinthians 13:4-6
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."
Can you feel that? It keeps no record of wrongs. And here's the thing - love CAN'T hold a record of wrongs. It's not that it doesn't because it chooses not to, no, the true essence of love is that it CAN'T even begin to hold onto a wrong, a grudge, a judgment. Not at all! This is wild crazy stuff.
This is a teaching on the absolute true nature of love, to be taken verbatim. And I can feel it, I can feel the soft strongness of my heart humming along with the words in total resonance. Can you feel the gentle up-welling of springtime coming through those words? Forever new, forever yielding up and out of love. This bible verse is telling us about the essential nature of our own hearts. The confused parts of ourselves may hold grudges, judge people, be filled with bitterness, but our true hearts , our true natures, are not doing that. They can't. And therein lies our salvation.
If you're up for it, try this. Put your hand over your heart and say the words "it keeps no record of wrongs." And then sit there for a bit and feel whatever happens. This can be repeated at intervals. Tune your inner listening in towards your heart, while at the same time gently sensing into how it feels to hold your hand over your heart.