I would like to tell you about some healing that happened with a client last week. I struggle to accurately describe what it is I do with clients, as it is not solely The Work. It's a combination of many modalities; The Work, somatic awareness, a meditative dialogue with different energies and entities in the body, a meditative journey inward, and a bringing of whatever presence is available to be with exactly what is arising. I hope that the ensuing description is helpful in creating a clearer picture.
Last week, during a session with a client, it came up that she felt fear every time she walked into a doctor's office - in particular the sight of a blood pressure cuff, and the subsequent experience of constraint and tightness was absolutely terrifying. As such she had developed 'white coat' high blood pressure, and thus had no idea of her true blood pressure reading.
From past conversations with this client I knew that she had experienced repeated physical abuse as a child, and had been put in the hospital due to injuries her mother inflicted upon her when she was about 4 years old. While in the hospital she had had to lie about what happen to her, covering up for her mother's actions (and father's complicity).
I asked the client if she felt it was time to go back and sit with that little girl on the hospital bed. There was a long pause. She was willing, and she said she was afraid to do so. I let the client know that we could stop at any time, that she was totally in control. I also took note myself, and in the following work kept it a top priority to make sure that there was confirmation from the client that she was willing to take whatever next step was presenting. I have found that there is no help in trying to push anyone beyond what is ripe inside, in fact it is a subtle form of violence. What is ready is ready, and what is not needs more time. There is an innate wisdom there.
I guided through a short grounding and calming meditation. This served several functions - it helped the client and myself go inward, and it helped delineate a safe place to return to periodically during the journey- a place to rest, rejuvenate, and take stock. After several minutes of this grounding meditation I began to guide the client back to the little girl.
The client began by allowing the little girl on the hospital bed to appear. This was not forced, we simply sat there, breathing, feet on the floor, inviting the little girl to appear. By not forcing the appearance of the little girl she is able to arise uncontrived, actual, in the wisdom of her own time. She did appear, and my client was trepidatious about moving in closer to her. 'It's so sad' she said, sobbing. I reminder the client of her breath, and that she was in the room with me. I asked her if she was okay to simply breathe and watch the little girl for a while. She was.
Quite quickly an Eternal Being appeared on the bed. This Being was gazing at the client with reassurance. The Eternal Being being appeared, I believe, because the client was not ready to directly be with the little girl. The Eternal Being served as an intermediary to facilitate the contact.
The client described that the Eternal Being was holding the little girl and that the little girl seemed okay, she was playing on the bed.
There is a transition during these inward journeys where the client has the option to move from a role of watching to entering into the scene and making conscious contact with who or what has arisen. The client had not yet entered the scene, and I asked her if she was willing to go and sit on the bed with the Eternal Being and the little girl. She said yes and I prompted her to tell the Eternal Being that she would like to join them. Immediately the client began to cry. She did not feel worthy to go and join them on the bed.
There is an authenticity here in this type of realization that brings on tears. Something that was not know before is revealed, in this case the direct experience of not feeling worthy, and this revelation is in fact a clarity of seeing that is integral to true healing.
After a time I prompted her to tell the Eternal Being how she felt, which she did. After a pause she described that the Eternal Being was holding her and filling her with healing. The little girl was not there, she was inside of the Eternal being. The Eternal Being was filling the client with healing, with worthiness, and this too is a deep embodied healing that takes the time it takes. I sensed in carefully to not cut this short.
Once this felt complete I invited the client to see if the little girl would appear, and as the client did this I felt a fuzziness inside myself. I have come to trust that this fuzziness is not my own, but an indication that the client does not have the capacity or the ripeness to move on. This is not right or wrong, it's just where they're at.
Sensing this, I invited the client to begin to draw awareness to her breath and slowly open her eyes when she was ready. The client acclimated and gently came back into the room, and then we talked for a bit. (Often there is not much talking at this point, as talking can interrupt the integration process, but in this case talking felt right.)
I told her that the Eternal Being likely appeared because she was not fully ready to be with the little girl on her own. I know this client well, and I knew that this would not be met with defensiveness or shame.
I suggested that when she felt ready she could go back and be with the little girl, and I emphasized to never push herself or the little girl to do anything that they were not ready for. I invited her, again when she was ready, to sit with the little girl and say to her 'sweetheart, I'm listening. I want to hear everything you have to say. What is your life like?' , and then to just listen to the little girl. This creates an inner listening that is poignantly ripe for revelation.
Several days later I spoke with the client. She called to tell me that she had gone to the doctor's office and had a completely normal blood pressure reading, a first in many years. She was elated.
The client has a daily meditation practice, and several days before the doctor's appointment had spent the full 40 minute meditation going back and being with the little girl. She said that it felt like wading through a thick substance to get back to the hospital bed, but she was able to do it. Only the little girl was there this time, and the client sat with her. The client also went around the hospital room and really looked at everything, and went and got some alcohol and dabbed it on her wrist. In daily life the smell of rubbing alcohol makes the client feel faint. This is a very healing thing to do in the meditation.
The client, after she had found that the little girl was comfortable sitting with her, asked her 'sweetheart what is it like to live in your world? I'm listening. I'm really here.'
The client then cried and cried. The little girl told her how 'now she knows she has to take care of her parents'. (If I was facilitating this meditation I would have led the session in a slightly different direction at this point, I would have asked the client to look at the little girl and see if she (the client) thought it was true, that taking care of her parents was this 4yr old's job. If the client had seen that this was claearly not the little girl's job I would have invited her to tell the little girl that, and then just be with the little girl as she received that information.)
The client relates that when the little girl told her what she took to be her job it was completely fresh, as though this little girl was telling her, there was no sense that the client was coming up with the little girl's words. It was not what the client had expected her to say. This sort of inner communication has a signature of freshness and unexpectedness and uncreatedness that often permeates dialogue in work that is very deep. When you come across it you know it, it has a signature of authenticity.
When we are truly available to listen and be with the little ones (or other energetic forms), they really will tell us what it's like to live in their world. The information they give us is accessed from a very deep place, and is commonly not available to our everyday thinking mind. This is one of the beautiful benefits of going inward and meditatively dialoguing.
I suggested to the client that if she travelled to little girl in the future that she once more ask her if she has anything to tell them. To really be in a state of deep availability and listening for the little girl.
The little girl had to have stitches in her scalp because her mother had thrown a heavy ceramic bowl at her head. When she and her parents went to the hospital her parents told her to lie, to say that she had fallen off of her bed and cut open her head.
The client remembered (for the first time in her life) while doing this meditative journey that after she had been stitched up she was bouncing around on the hospital bed while her parents talked with the doctor outside. As she was bouncing around she fell off of the bed and had to have her scalp stitched up again.
This was also revelatory for the client, as she saw that quite possibly the little girl unconsciously re-split open her scalp by falling off the bed so that the lie her parents had made her tell would, in some way, be true.
I share all of this in part because the healing and sincerity of the client is so beautiful, and also in part to give a more in-depth taste of what I offer. As you can see, we actually did not do The Work. (Although asking the little girl what her world is like is a very deep, embodied way of asking question #3 - how do you react, what happens when you believe this thought?)
With this client the little girl arose as the place that was ripe, or ready for presence. Sometimes it will be an actual physical sensation in the body that is the entry point into inner work, sometimes it is the energetic sense of a whirling thought, or pit of sadness in the stomach. I trust that whatever is presenting in the beginning of a session is what is ready for more presence, and from there I intuitively move with the client into the healing journey that reveals itself.
Thank you for your time, and may your day have
Great Uncaused Peace and Joy!!!